April 27, 2010

Okay, okay---so, it's time for me to confess. Urrrrghhhh. How do I say it? Well, I guess the easiest way is to just put it simply, bluntly. Here's goes... I have been feeling lonely. I have been feeling very SINGLE! 

There. It's out in the open (that feels rather vulnerable). I hope I'm doing the right thing by opening up about it! Please, allow me to expand, because my hunch is, I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Let's see, after a few years of contentment and peace in my singleness, over the last month or so, it's finally crept up on me. At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on it: I was experiencing emotions and feelings that just didn't seem to add up. I couldn't explain them. They were very conflicting. It was all very foreign to me.

Confusion.
A desire to be by myself (my introvertedness coming through).
Yet when I was alone, I felt the desire to be around people.
But then when I was around people, I still felt this strange longing and emptiness.
My normal, refreshing solitude time seemed painfully alone, unsettling.
Discouragement.
Sadness.
Random sobs would break through without any explanation.

After a few days of this, I explained my conflicting feelings to a friend who simply listened well and prayed for me. (She had no answers or solutions. Prayer was enough). And by God's grace, through her prayer it became very clear what was going on (Yay, God!).

I felt a deep longing for a husband and the lack of one in my life. Rather than feeling hopeful or trusting God's plan in this area, I began feeling discouraged and rather depressed (not fun at all!). And on top of that, I felt embarrassed that I was feeling this way. I don't know if you ever feel this way and I don't know what you do about it if you do, but here's what I've been doing...

Asking for prayer, being honest with friends about it, sitting with God--talking with Him, crying with Him. I'm not pushing it away. I'm not trying to pretend I'm stronger than I am. And guess what!!!

God in His faithfulness has really blessed me! I've found that I'm not the only one feeling this way (I shouldn't have been surprised). I've found great comfort in my friends who know what's going on. I've found encouragement. Trust, hope and joy have been restored. Yay!

Jesus loves me. My friends love me. I have family that love me. Every day is a gift from the Lord full of His promises and opportunities and I want to make the most of them!!! I don't want to be consumed by what I don't have, but rather with what I do have right in front me! And if/when God would like to bless me with a godly man to love and serve together with, I'll take him. Until then, I will trust Him. He knows what's best and I certainly don't want any less than HIS best.

Single or married, I desire to seek God wholeheartedly and love others as best I can. I'm so thankful for HIS Spirit and HIS grace, because I know that I cannot do it on my own strength! Boy, do I need Him.

So, friends, that about sums it up for now. I hope I've made sense (hehe). I hope that opening up about this struggle is an encouragement to at least one person. You're not alone.

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:16-19