Showing posts with label trust. Show all posts

April 27, 2010

Okay, okay---so, it's time for me to confess. Urrrrghhhh. How do I say it? Well, I guess the easiest way is to just put it simply, bluntly. Here's goes... I have been feeling lonely. I have been feeling very SINGLE! 

There. It's out in the open (that feels rather vulnerable). I hope I'm doing the right thing by opening up about it! Please, allow me to expand, because my hunch is, I'm not the only one feeling this way.

Let's see, after a few years of contentment and peace in my singleness, over the last month or so, it's finally crept up on me. At first, I couldn't quite put my finger on it: I was experiencing emotions and feelings that just didn't seem to add up. I couldn't explain them. They were very conflicting. It was all very foreign to me.

Confusion.
A desire to be by myself (my introvertedness coming through).
Yet when I was alone, I felt the desire to be around people.
But then when I was around people, I still felt this strange longing and emptiness.
My normal, refreshing solitude time seemed painfully alone, unsettling.
Discouragement.
Sadness.
Random sobs would break through without any explanation.

After a few days of this, I explained my conflicting feelings to a friend who simply listened well and prayed for me. (She had no answers or solutions. Prayer was enough). And by God's grace, through her prayer it became very clear what was going on (Yay, God!).

I felt a deep longing for a husband and the lack of one in my life. Rather than feeling hopeful or trusting God's plan in this area, I began feeling discouraged and rather depressed (not fun at all!). And on top of that, I felt embarrassed that I was feeling this way. I don't know if you ever feel this way and I don't know what you do about it if you do, but here's what I've been doing...

Asking for prayer, being honest with friends about it, sitting with God--talking with Him, crying with Him. I'm not pushing it away. I'm not trying to pretend I'm stronger than I am. And guess what!!!

God in His faithfulness has really blessed me! I've found that I'm not the only one feeling this way (I shouldn't have been surprised). I've found great comfort in my friends who know what's going on. I've found encouragement. Trust, hope and joy have been restored. Yay!

Jesus loves me. My friends love me. I have family that love me. Every day is a gift from the Lord full of His promises and opportunities and I want to make the most of them!!! I don't want to be consumed by what I don't have, but rather with what I do have right in front me! And if/when God would like to bless me with a godly man to love and serve together with, I'll take him. Until then, I will trust Him. He knows what's best and I certainly don't want any less than HIS best.

Single or married, I desire to seek God wholeheartedly and love others as best I can. I'm so thankful for HIS Spirit and HIS grace, because I know that I cannot do it on my own strength! Boy, do I need Him.

So, friends, that about sums it up for now. I hope I've made sense (hehe). I hope that opening up about this struggle is an encouragement to at least one person. You're not alone.

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:16-19

Wow! It's been a long time since I've blogged! I don't have any big updates or lots to say, I guess. But I'm going to journal a bit about what God has been showing me, teaching me, prompting my heart and mind about...here goes...

• I am to trust Him. Trusting Him means pushing through my fears and doubts. It doesn't mean I ignore what I'm feeling, but it does mean that my fears and doubts are no match for God's strength and care for me! So, rather than shrinking in fear and doubt, I desire to lean hard in on God and His truth, be courageous and bold in life! Yeah! And it made seem elementary, but I cannot be courageous and trust if there isn't some element of challenge.
• "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them...Such love has no fear." (1 John 4:16b, 18a) I'll let the Word speak for itself, so all I'll say is that I was very encouraged to recently reread this passage of scripture!
• I recently looked back on the few years of my life and I think that I've taken more of a defensive - "Survival-Mode" stance--feeling like I've taken a beating and all that I can do is try and protect myself, rather than taking on an offensive response. And when I say offensive, I don't mean a combative one. What I'm referring to is my relationship with God and pursuing His dreams and plans for my life. Rather than dreaming, hoping for, believing in His blessings, I've just kind of been waiting with my fists up, so to speak, ready for the next blow. Maybe that 's what I needed for a season, but I want that season to be over and I feel like I've taken steps in changing this stance. I want to deeply and intentionally pursue God and His plan for my life, with hope in good things! I want my arms to be open for His goodness.
• My eyes have recently been opened to the facts of human trafficking and has left my heart deeply burdened! My heart breaks for the millions of victims of this horrific crime. I must get involved...prayers, financial support, volunteering, etc. Reading about the perpetrators and their "business" just convinces me more and more that Jesus is the answer. We are a fallen world in need of a Savior! I pray for the victims and perpetrators -- that they would find the peace and wholeness only found in the saving grace of Jesus!

Well, those are some of my thoughts, very unedited, so if it didn't make much sense, that's why. :)

Hope you have a wonderful day, friends! With love....

Carolyn

Jesus said, "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." (John 10:10)

"God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect...such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear." 1 John 4:16b-17a, 18a

Oh Lord, help me to trust You wholeheartedly. Please replace my fear with Your love. Help me to truly love You, for if I do, I will truly trust You. Amen.

I'm in the middle of reading "The Shack" by William P. Young and have been deeply touched by a couple of quotes and, as a whole, the dynamic and beautiful relationships portrayed in this book have widened my heart and mind to the sweet intimacy we can and do have with the Creator, Savior, and Spirit of God. I don't want to give anything away, so I'm keeping my thoughts pretty general and won't post "spoiling" quotes, in case you haven't read the book yet. So, the following two quotes have been taken from "The Shack"...

"Honey, there's no easy answer that will take your pain away. Believe me, if I had one, I'd use it now. I have no magic wand to wave over you and make it all better. Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship." (page 92)

"Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly. And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place." (page 97)

Man, that last quote there really hits home!!! I hope I don't sound like a broken record to those who've been on this journey with me the past several years, but to be honest, because of the pain I've experienced from the unsettling and unexpected events in my life, I do feel like my "wings have been clipped." And I'm afraid of them growing back to the point where I can "fly" again for fear I'll be smacked again, wings clipped, and down I fall.

Needless to say, my trust in God's plan for my life isn't quite as solid as it used to be. That's a sad thing to admit, I know. But I also know that God knows where my heart is and He has and is going to continue nurturing me, mending the places that have been broken, and restoring my wings at a speed that's not too slow and not too quick. His timing is best and I'm grateful that He is patient, compassionate and tender.

The moment must come when you must jump from your perch of distrust, leaving the next of supposed safety behind and trusting the wings of faith. You must be like a young bird beginning to test the air with its untried wings. At first you may feel as though you will fall to the earth. The fledgling may feel the same way, but it does not fall, for its wings provide support. Yet even if its wings do fail, one of its parents will sweep under it, rescuing it on strong wings. God will rescue you in the same way. Simply trust Him, for His "right hand sustains" (Psalm 18:35). -Excerpt from Streams in the Desert, L.B. Cowman, July 13.